As some of you know I have a cat. I originally named the cat Angel because I thought she, he, it – was a female. Well after ‘she’ grew a set of gonads I figured it out all on my own that it is a boy cat. See what college and 58 years of life will teach you? So in the mean time this cat was so hyper that it was driving me crazy jumping all over everything, knocking over the garbage cans, playing with the hanging spider plants… I heard that if you have the cat see Dr. Kutznutsoff that he would settle down (spayed for those of you who didn’t pronounce the good doctor’s name and figure it out). Well, so much for THAT idea. He seemed very calm and sweet for about 3 days, and then reverted back into his true self.

So I got ‘him’ a girl kitty for a playmate and possibly to teach him some manners. I renamed Angel to Taz for Tasmanian Devil
(boy did THAT name fit to the “T”) and named the girl cat Angel. They actually both like their names and come when called – sometimes - when they feel like it. I’ll bet 10:1 that Taz was his original name! When I introduced Taz to Angel he thought he would attack her and jump on her back, bite into her neck and give her hell but I neglected to tell Taz that I left Angel’s claws untrimmed.

Surprisingly enough they now get along quite well.

Angel is the kind of cat that I originally wanted because she likes to sit on my lap and be petted or sleep by my head at night. Unfortunately, while adjusting to the new cat food, she is suffering from a horrendous gas problem. She sleeps with her rear in my face and one night she let go. Oh yeah! You’re laughing because it didn’t happen to you! I thought I was going to die or puke! She even had to leave the room because of the odor! I swear she was laughing all the way out the bedroom like it was laughing gas.

I did find out some very good information about giving a cat a pill that, whether you own a cat or not, you may want to read for your enjoyment. It’s just about as good as my giving the cats a bath… Awe heck! Did I just say that?

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens the mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close the mouth and swallow.


2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.


4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of dresser.
Call spouse in from the garage for assistance.


6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
>>> Ignore low growls emitted by cat. <<<
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.


7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.


8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.


9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away.
Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed.
Get another pill.
Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch.
Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot.
Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.


13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.
Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.


14. Consume remainder of scotch.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.
Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Then call furniture shop on way home to order new table.


15. Arrange for A.S.P.C.A. to collect this mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.